Although I’m sure this has been asked before, I’ll ask it anyway:
I, 29, have been dating my boyfriend, 33, for about 6 years; we have no immediate plans to get married. We each have various bills to pay and have always kept our money separate. He makes approximately 2,800 a month, while I make about 3,300.
Rather than keeping everything separate, I was thinking it was time we just tossed money into a common account to cover all “home” expenses. We can all see where money is being spent in this way, which makes it easier for us to hold each other and our budget more accountable.
The problem is that, while my partner has a sizable amount of debt, I simply have my car loan.
We recently marked our 25th wedding anniversary, and my husband and I have been together for more than 27 years. We’ve shared accounts ever since we moved in together, which was roughly six months after we first met. I find nothing wrong with having joint accounts as long as you feel comfortable with your significant other, regardless of marriage, and you envision a long-term connection. I’ve always believed that you own what’s mine and I own what’s yours. Although I certainly earn a lot more money than he does, I see our success as a collaborative effort. When you work together, that’s when the money talk starts, and neither of you can take money without the other knowing about it.
There are about as many ways as there are couples … well, maybe not quite. I’ll give you mine.
I bring in more money. We pool our money for household bills with no concern about percentages – just what it takes to pay the bills. I am also the YNAB user and I’m the one watching the budget like a hawk and parsing money out of categories as need to cover overspending when it occurs.
I’m more frugal with small things but like to do big projects (as in, house projects, spendy). My partner likes to shop so we give them an “allowance” each month. This all works for us as we’ve evolved to a stable place with money. YNAB has helped a lot: My partner checks in with me on certain purchases and we talk about where the money will come from. We are both committed to adding no credit card debt. In the past when we’ve had credit card debt from either or both of us, we both pool our resources to get out of it.
The only thing I would add for your situation is that YNAB and its four rules could be just the exercise your partner needs to move out of the debt-accruing mindset. If your partner doesn’t have a commitment to not adding debt, then I’m not sure pooling resources is the best idea. To me it seems like there has to be some kind of mutually-agreed upon end goal.
Assess whether your partner’s credit card (CC) debt was incurred before your relationship or if it has increased since. If he had previous debt and is committed to paying it off urgently, supporting him could be worthwhile. However, if he has a spending problem, it’s better to discuss his financial history and stressors rather than just offering money. When managing bills together, agree on contributions based on income or split evenly. Consider a joint savings account for shared purchases to build financial trust and accountability.
While the philosophy of shared finances fosters collaboration and unity, could it also unintentionally create an imbalance of power in the relationship? If one partner earns significantly more, does that not risk the perception of financial supremacy, where the higher earner might feel entitled to make more unilateral decisions about expenditures? Additionally, does complete financial transparency always promote trust, or can it lead to resentment, especially if one partner feels scrutinized or restricted in their spending? Exploring these dynamics could deepen your understanding of both individual autonomy and partnership in financial matters.
I’m grateful. You really nailed the nail on the head, in my opinion. I’m aware of the psychological, physical, and mental advantages that a debt-free life will bring him. I also worry that I would “punish” him by providing too little assistance, or I might enable him by providing too much. I will investigate YNAB to see if it might be beneficial for us.
Are your paychecks transferred into the same account for both of you? Or are you still using your individual accounts?
Did your partner accumulate the CC debt before you were together or has it grown since you’ve been together?
If he had it before you were together and is actively working on paying it back with priority and urgency, I’d consider helping him.
If he has a spending issue and is accumulating more CC debt or the balance isn’t going down, I’d stay back and instead chat with him about his money history. What money values his parents taught him. Find out what his stressors are in life. Figure out if spending alleviates those stressors. Take more of a “therapy” approach than a “give him money” approach. Of course you aren’t his therapist. But I’d take a more “whole person” approach with him.
As for combining bills. Sit down and determine who pays what. Could be based on income, or a 50/50 split. You could cover an extra bill with the spoken intention the extra money goes toward his CC debt. Great way to build financial trust (is he actually putting the money saved toward CC debt like you agreed in?).
You could have a joint savings account for house purchases. If you both wanted to buy a screen door for the place, you figure out it’s $300 so you’ll each need to put $50 a month into the account to be able to buy it for x date. That’s a great way to build up financial trust with a person. Are they contributing to the account like you agreed on? Can you rely on them to manage their money so they have that $50 to add to the joint? If they don’t have the $50, are they communicating with you to let you know about it? Or just not adding the money to the account and making you ask about it?