I am the saver, willing to do without while my partner is a spender and always surprises me with various expenses that weren’t planned for in our budget.
I feel defeated, like the bad cop, and also feel hurt that we always find dollars in the budget to cover these surprises expenses for his whims but never seem to find the cash for my dream list of things to do.
Examples - he surprised me with a weeklong house guest, they stayed with us, we entertained them & took them out for dinners, etc. he surprised me with getting season tickets so he and his dad can go to the games. He surprised me with wanting to contribute financially to a party for his parents ($1500). I was surprised with a surprise vacation for his friends birthday.
I’m just kind of pissed because I want to, and have wanted to for years, apply for an abroad artist residency but can’t afford it.
I’m at the point where I want to cut up his debit card and give him a refillable gift card with an allowance.
Update. We talked and were doing a cash allowance. Our bank offers a “teen” debit card too, where you set an amount to go to the debit card each month or whatever. We’re going to look into that as well.
While I am a saver, my spouse is likewise a spender. We are currently living paycheck to paycheck and robbing Peter to pay Paul, so regrettably, our finances do not permit any saving at this time. I finally bought the two new bras I’ve needed for a very long time today. While my spouse can easily spend $1,000 on a new fly fishing equipment, I feel terrible about spending just $50. Then, since I have to figure out how to pay that loan off, the problem becomes mine. Having a spouse who essentially gets everything he wants and me sitting here sacrificing things I want because we can’t afford it is really taxing.
Counseling now. This will ruin your life together if you let it continue, unless you are resigned to working your whole life to give this person the life they want.
He’s got what he wants and so has no incentive to change. If you want change, you will have to initiate new rules.
Relationship advisor available now. Yes. Right now. If you do nothing, this will ruin your relationship. Enroll in counseling right away, and begin establishing financial limits. Divide your money till you can trust him. You are logged into three accounts. His, yours, and “ours.” You all add your share of the bill to the “ours” account. In each of your accounts is the remaining amount. Set a goal for the two of you to save money for a mutually agreed upon purchase. It could be something major, like a trip, or something tiny, like a really pricey concert or sports ticket.
